Did you see part 1 of this post last week?? If not definitely go check it out! We discussed strategies for staying 'Cool During Crisis' and ways to help your tantruming child.

So, the hard part is over… now what? After something frustrating happens with raw emotions, our natural tendency as parents is to remind our children what upset us.  Aka, 'The Lecture.'

Do you remember 'The Lecture' when you were a child? I do. It didn't happen very often, but I remember sitting down on the couch and talking through what I had done wrong, why it was a problem, and what my consequences were now. When my own stubbornness got in the way, I would refuse to make eye contact or try to argue. Causing 'The Lecture' to last longer.

Typically following a lecture, a parent will teach their child not to do it again by implementing a punishment.  Although this may seem like the best course let's take a step back and think through some things.

First, how mature is your child? For me, a lecture was effective. I was mature enough to handle it and understand my wrong actions and corresponding consequences.

If you have a special needs child, remember their maturity level is often behind that of their same age peers. In addition, all children are immature (I was too, even though I often thought otherwise).

It can be helpful to ask yourself questions such as:

What is the goal?

Are we planning on teaching or punishing?

As parents we should focus mainly on teaching. This is where true progress is made. So before jumping into that lecture or punishment, consider the following tips.

Tip #1 Love First

Have an attitude of love. Remembering how much you love your child and want the best for them will help as you decide the right way to phrase your thoughts. Your kiddo will be able to pick up on it too. When I was having a lecture, even if I knew my parents were dissapointed, I never questioned that they still loved me and my mistake could be fixed.

Tip #2 Discussion

When your child has calmed enough to talk (if verbal), try discussing what happened and remind them they are safe. Working through the logic of what happened can help with emotional regulation and personal understanding.

Tip #3 Give Attention

Show an increase of attention. Kids get a lot of attention when they are having a tantrum but when it is all over, we want to walk away. This sends the message to the child that attention is given most when I am upset.  We want to increase our positive attention given when our kids are calm and happy. Help them understand by our behavior that we give increased attention when they are more calm and rational.

If a mess was made during the tantrum, now is a good time to let them know you need them to help with clean up. Clean up is not the punishment and should not be seen that way. Clean up time is a natural consequence of the child’s actions. As a parent we should willingly help our kiddos clean up. Doing this sets a good example and sends the message to our children that we will always be there for them, building a foundation of trust. Don't be hesitant to make it fun! Playing music, singing songs, and making it silly can turn a negative into a more positive experience. Overall, the goal is getting the child to help clean up the mess made.

Set realistic goals for the future. Expect another outburst, but also be prepared. Likewise, it is important to prepare your child. This is the time to practice with your child how to respond during a tantrum. What calming strategies can be used? If your child doesn’t like to breath or count when upset, think outside of the box. How about breathing disguised as blowing bubbles? Who doesn’t love bubbles! How about a favorite “calm down” song that you play or sing when things get heated? Having effective calming strategies helps distract from an escalating tantrum and teaches your child how to calmly work through difficult emotions.

Lastly, if a consequence is needed be sure it is a teaching consequence. Think and plan ahead with this question.. what will this teach my child so they can do better next time? As families, we should all be striving together to help each other navigate the daily nuances of life.  

For more tips and strategies in working through behavior, please reach out! We support clients and their families, supporting you no matter what.

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